February 16, 2018


I haven't posted to this blog since the first month I made it. Part of that is because I forget it exists, but I also struggle to decide what's "worth" posting. Obviously, this doesn't get read by other people. I'm not selling something exciting, offering a unique perspective, or sharing carefully crafted details of a mostly interesting life. Why do I take that to mean that I shouldn't post? Regardless of why, I'm hoping to re-begin documenting pieces of my life. If nothing else, it helps me identify how I want to live, what I want to change, and who I want to be. 

I recently moved from a tiny studio apartment into a townhouse. By normal standards it's small and unexciting, but to me and my husband, Justin, it's our castle. Wood laminate floors throughout, white walls, and more than one bedroom. What a dream! Being able to design the look of each room has been a refreshing experience for me. I've been trying to be more intentional with my approach to design. What needs to be in this room? How will this room make us feel when we walk in? What can I do to make this space as functional as possible? It seems silly, but addressing my home in this way has really helped me reconnect with what I want out of my life. In forcing myself to arrange this home with purpose, I am creating the framework in which I can live out my day. This, in turn, seems to impact how I choose to spend my time. 

Honestly, I don't know if that makes any sense. But I suppose it doesn't have to. Like I said, this doesn't get read by other people. 

Other big change: marriage. It was just a boring civil ceremony before our actual wedding in August, it's only purpose to make us eligible for housing reimbursement from the military. Regardless, living with Justin and knowing that he is my husband is an interesting change to my identity. It's funny, realizing that a large part of who you are is defined by another person entirely. In a way I love it, but I have to learn not to fight against some of the control you relinquish when you combine your life with someone else's. 

This weekend we are also picking up our new corgi puppy. Scout (more often called Scoot), is an 8-week old Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Adding her into our lives is simultaneously exhilarating, fantastic, and terrifying (not to mention expensive). Taking on the responsibility of training a puppy is something I didn't expect to commit to this month, but here we are. Things just sort of fell into place, and it felt right. Justin leaves for California for three months in March, so we only have a couple of weeks left before he is gone. Most of the puppy training is going to fall on me because of it, but I think it will help pass the time while he's away. 

Anyway, all of that stream of consciousness rambling to say, I think I'm happy. It's weird, and different from the usual kind of happy I feel since I began taking antidepressants. That allowed me to feel happiness on a day-to-day basis again, but this is something different. It's not just contentment. I feel really satisfied with life right now. It's good. It's weird. Of course, there are still days where depression rolls in and makes me feel like garbage, but overall I feel like a happy person. I like my job. I like my home. I like my husband and my friends and my family and my dog. 

I'm happy. I think that's all I ever really want to be. 

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